He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
