he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
