Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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