Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize