Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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