she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
