Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Porn is love you can see.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
