can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Don't make out with my wife yet
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
