Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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