oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
