wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's shark week go big or go home
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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