just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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