dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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