she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
