I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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