my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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