No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
