When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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