i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
