i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
