i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
