yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
