Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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