I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
