I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
