Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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