How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
