Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
