before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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