Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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