Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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