I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
