last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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