True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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