just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
