i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
