Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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