we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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