Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Drunk is not a location!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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