I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
