I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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