I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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