all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
