Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
