Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
