I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
