when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
