I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
