Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex