im six kinds of drunk right now
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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