just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
