So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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