I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
