I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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