Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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