I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
This house was built for laser tag.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
