Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
